The Press Machine

The fine folks over at Protein Wisdom have found a USA Today article on Tubby Riefenstahl that you might not have seen before.

“These are mind-blowing numbers,” Moore said Sunday of the estimates, which were $7 million more than most analysts predicted. “All the predictions were that the movie would only speak to the choir, that it would only be for those who don’t like Bush. But it looks like lots more suckers went to see it. Which is great, because now I can have all the deep-fried diamonds and emeralds and mink I can cram into my pie hole. Hell, maybe I’ll even bread and eat a sea turtle—one of them big endangered ones—which I can have smuggled into the country at a moment’s notice by a gang of Ecuadoran children I bought off a down-on-his-luck fisherman in the winter of ‘97. Because I am just that rich. Man, do I ever love deep-fried foods!”

Jeff Goldstein is the funniest man on the internet.

Kelvin: The temperature at which stupidity becomes cash

How does something like this get by Moore’s crack staff of “accuracy” checkers in his “war room?”

“Fahrenheit: the temperature in the atmosphere when it reaches the boiling point.”

Biking for Columbine

Michael Moore Wins Tour de France
Cyclist Lance Armstrong cries foul over the filmmaker’s untimely victory
By Andy Borowitz
Newsweek

June 22 - The Gallic love-fest for filmmaker Michael Moore reached its apogee today as Moore snagged a controversial first-place finish in this year’s Tour de France.

The stunning victory for Moore in the world’s most famous bicycle race was particularly surprising because the moviemaker is not known to have ever owned or even climbed upon a bicycle in his entire life.

But what made the win truly controversial was the fact that the Tour de France was not scheduled to begin until next month.

“In recognition of Mr. Moore’s contributions to the world of cinema and to the world in general, we felt it was only fair to give him a month’s head start,” said Tour de France spokesman Jean-luc Bourdieu. “Vive Michael Moore!”

But to five-time Tour de France winning cyclist Lance Armstrong, Moore’s victory in this year’s contest was no cause for celebration, as Armstrong told reporters today he “seriously doubted” that the easily-winded director had actually pedaled his way to the finish line.

“I don’t know Michael Moore, but he looks like the kind of guy who always takes the escalator,” Mr. Armstrong said.

Moore quickly fired back that Armstrong was part of a conspiracy to discredit him along with George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Michael Eisner, the Halliburton Company, the Saudi royal family and every member of Skull and Bones except John Kerry.

Elsewhere, the United States announced that on June 30 it would still have custody of Saddam Hussein, but it would let Iraq visit him on weekends. 

You want a Gmail account?

I have ONE invite code for a free Gmail account.  If you don’t know what it or why you’d want it, do not bother asking.  Just move along, please.  I love you too.  No, I’m not mad at you, honey I just don’t want to deal with explaining it in detail.  You either get it or you don’t.

Real cowboy mentality, isn’t it?

Anyway, if you want it, you gotta work for it.  I want to be amused.  Photoshop me a funny photo of Bush, Kerry and Micahel Moore it some hilarious situation.  Your call, but it better be funny or I’ll come to your house and make the sex with your sister, your pets and maybe even you if you’re not careful.

All images become the pseudo-property of MOOREWATCH, meaning we can publish them without you suing us, you uppity bitches.  You probably won’t own the source images any old way.  :)

All entries must include all three men.  Email your entries to stark23x at gmail dot com.

*UPDATE - Despite the best efforts of some bitter little people, we have a winner.  This was the instant winner as soon as I saw it.  Daniel Grady, you da man.

Hilarious

In the spirit of BushOrChimp.com, check this out: Moore or Pig?

Disclaimer: we have nothing whatsoever to do with this site, we just thought it was hilarious.  C’mon, if you can’t laugh at both of these sites, you need professional help.  :)

Fashion Faux Pas

It seems that Michael Moore committed a fashion faux pas in Cannes.  How could this happen?  You would think he has people to prevent this sort of horrible incident from happening.

You’re just going to have to see it to believe it...(NSFW)

Everyone loves a challenge!

Since Michael Moore loves a good conspiracy, it stands to reason MOOREWATCH will be a great resource to gather them, no?

I’m running a research project of sorts over at my blog.  Nothing too official, just a collection of the conspiracies of which people accuse Bush of being at the helm.

If you’re interested in participating, come on over. If you leave a comment here at MOOREWATCH with a theory, please duplicate the comment over there as well, I want to keep them all in one place..

Should be fun!

Old, but good.

I just saw this over at Conservative Punk Magazine. It’s old, but it’s still damn funny.  :)

Bowling for Fallujah

A number of people have emailed me with links to Cox & Forkum’s latest cartoon.

Brilliant, and accurate.

Guns Save Lives, Even Mikey’s

I can’t wait for Bowling for Columbine II.

Mikey at the Oscars

Okay, I have to give credit to Michael Moore for making fun of himself in the opening bit to the Oscars.  If you missed it, he was shown railing about the “fictitious” opening credits, saying “Shame on you, Orcs!” right before he got crushed by one of the giant mammoth creatures from Return of the King.  Good stuff.

Now let’s see if to what degree he pontificates tonight as a presenter.

Update: Well, as it turned out the Detroit Free Press article posted this morning was incorrect, and Moore was not a presenter.

Hysterical!

Good stuff! 

The More Things Change…

The more Michael Moore looks like the schmuck he is.  (Thanks to a reader for sending these in.)

What Mikey forgot to include was a link to his Mike’s Message entitled “How my big, fat mouth was the straw that broke the camel’s back of the Clark campaign!”

This is hilarious.

Look about halfway down for the Moore connection.

ATKINS IS FICTICIOUS!

Thanks to Drumwaster for the link.

Tin Foil Hat

Want to get inside the mind of a liberal asshat?  Try the Bush Conspiracy Theory Generator! 

George W. Bush caused the Cubs to lose to the Marlins in Game 7 of the National League Championship Series so that big corporations, oil companies, white men, and gun owners could oppress Michael Moore.

Leave your conspiracy theories in the comments.

What About Fluffy?

Attention Michael Moore fans!  You have been neglecting your pets for far too long!

(Link via Right Wing News.)

Google Bombing

Google is unique among search engines in that while it almost always shows you pages that have the exact keywords you are looking for, occasionally it will show you pages that don’t have those keywords, but other pages linked to that page with those words.

In a bizarre surreal bow to the power of perception on the web, what you say about a page becomes just as important as the actual content of the page. The page must be what other people say it is. That Google adheres to this rule and is by far the most effective search engine raises many interesting issues, none of which we will attempt to discuss or explicate.

Now Google is smart, simply having tons of the same links with the same phrase on a single page will do nothing. It requires a multitude of pages to have that link with specific link text. But this power can be harnessed with a concentrated group effort.

And it must be harnessed, and for one very important goal: make Michael “Miserable Failure” Moore come up first when people do a search for “Miserable Failure.”

Here’s how you can join in the google bombing fun:

1. Get a web site. If you already have a web site, you can skip this step. If not go to Geocities, Angelfire or wherever, it doesn’t matter. Everyone has something to say blah blah blah personal expression yadda yadda (or maybe a nice Glenn Beck fan site, not like this one). Just remember the Google bombing.
2. Whenever you update your site, which should be approximately three to five times a week, be sure to include the following HTML at some point:

   Michael <a href="http://www.michaelmoore.com/" title="Miserable Failure">"Miserable Failure"</a> Moore

3. Add your site to Google.
4. Wait for the magic to happen! Soon, whenever you type in miserable failure into google, you’ll see Michael “Miserable Failure” Moore’s greasy fat face smiling right back at you.

Hee Hee.

Ladies & Gentlemen, I present to you today’s puerile jab at the man we love to hate, Michael Moore.

Fark.com, famous for it’s Photoshop contests, led me to this one today.  I doubt it will make the main page, but what the hell, I took a stab at it.

Hate Mail

From Mike D.

I think your webpage is one big joke, and that you need to get some facts straight before you go on and fill peoples minds with bull-sh*t. First off, You say that Michael Moore lies, and that his movies were crap, well then your obviously some sort of dumbass. Michael Moore has made strong points towards the things wrong with American society, and the American government. For example, if you notice in bowling for columbine, he shows a timeline of all the super things that the USA has done over time, like give money to the same person who trained terrorists like himself to fly 2 planes into the WTC. Perhaps your just that ignorant, but personally, I think that this is a perfect example of just how dumb the American government has been. You comment on how he’s full of it, but yet, this fact IS UNDENIABLE, and is 100% true, perhaps your just that idiotic, and can’t put 2-and-2 together. Get a life, and get some common sense.

P.S(I hope you suffer horribly for your lies)

The Happy not to be an Ignorant American, Canadian.

Mike:  First off, it’s been a while since I watched BFC.  Tell me what’s in the “undeniable” timeline and I’ll tell you what the lies are.  Secondly, if you’re going to accuse me of being “dumb,” “idiotic,” and a “dumbass,” you might want to learn the difference between your and you’re.  It’s much easier to take someone seriously when they can exhibit a mastery of fundamental 4th grade English.

Update: Mike writes again.

First off, I’d like to apologize for my email, and I hope that you can understand that I was angry with the way your website put forth insults to a man which I idolize. Second off, I love debates, and what they stand for, it’s such an exciting way of conversation, (perhaps the reason of my improper use of “fundamental 4th grade English” was because of excitement) and I would be glad to debate Michael’s ideas. I realize that the way he organized his ideas in the film, was so he could make it seem like each bit of information was fed from other events, and this was the wrong way to go about it. You must also understand, that Michael was trying to make a change, wether or not he did it for the Oscar, he did change the way we perceive the events in the United States’ history. I apologize for my hate-mail, but I must also say, I still idolize Mr. Moore.

Update 2: And then he mailed again.

I’m requesting that my e-mail be removed from your main site.

Waah.  To everyone contemplating sending me hate mail in the future, I reserve the right to post it at will, even if you request that I do not do so.  You send it to me, it becomes my property to do with as I wish.

The Headhunter

The book The White Headhunter by Nigel Randell tells the true story of a Scot who washed up on a Pacific Island, was captured by natives, and ended up being the chief’s most loyal headhunter.  Interestingly, Amazon.com UK recommends to its customers that in addition to this book they might like Michael Moore’s Stupid White Men.

A white man who uses others to promote his self-aggrandizing agenda, and then lies his ass off about it after the fact?  Describes both books pretty well.  Maybe Amazon is on to something.